Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
