I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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