i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
