I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
