to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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