you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You ruined the universe
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
