i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
