An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
