Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
