I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
