At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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