Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
