yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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