____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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