My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
