I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
