i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
