Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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