His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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