You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize