I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have fence marks all over my body
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
