Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
literally had 100 drinks last night.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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