i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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