Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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