Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
