and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
