my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
