I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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