I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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