My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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