I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
