You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
