i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
