mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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