Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
