i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
