I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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