But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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