I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
