This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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