...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize