I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
