Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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