Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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