I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
