Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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