i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
