The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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