piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So many bounce houses so little time
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
