Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
