Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
