this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize