it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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