Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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