You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
