I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
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