i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
