why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
