i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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