I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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